Denis and I recently had the opportunity to attend the Focus on the Family and Salem Media Group’s Resist the Drift conference. The conference focused on areas of marriage where we all usually struggle and then provided practical, Biblically based solutions to make improvements.
One of the concepts discussed was “bids for connection”. Bids for connection is a concept that came from decades of research that Gottman and Levenson conducted with other couples. They noticed that what made marriages successful was how they responded to each other in a bid for connection which are “any positive action that you do to get your spouse’s attention, affirmation, affection or support”.
Examples of a bid for connection could be a sigh, asking someone to read something you wrote, asking a question, making a statement or holding your hand. In instances where someone is giving a bid for connection there is the choice to either accept or reject that bid. Over time that rate of acceptance or rejection can build up and either add to the health or decline of the relationship. One excellent point made in the conference was that a marriage can’t survive date night to date night; it’s the bids for connection in the small, everyday moments that matter.
One item of refection during the conference was to take account of the ways that your spouse bids for connection and how you can begin to recognize these bids and respond favorably to them. In doing so, you’re helping to guard against the “foxes” that can come into a relationship:
By learning to recognize and respond positively to bids for connection we are guarding against the fox of busyness. We can recognize and learn that often it doesn’t take a huge amount of time or energy to respond to the bids for connection that occur throughout the day. And if anything, it feels good to be able to respond positively and encourage your spouse throughout the small moments in the day.
I think this advice serves us well not only in our marriages, but any relationship in our lives. If we pause to evaluate, we can realize that all relationship are unique and each individual has their own way of bidding for connection. I highly encourage you to consider how you might learn to accept more bids that come your way. And certainly never lose sight of the open door of God’s bid for connection. He always longs to hear from His children.
Check out this link to find out more about the Resist the Drift conference or other conferences: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/resistthedriftsalemconferences/
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